“Too Good” by Janae Lu
November 24, 2024
September 14th, 2024.
I am seventeen years old,
And I wait at a bus stop, balancing plastic grocery bags in my arms.
A man approaches me
Bottle in his hand, baby on his lips.
When he yells, I do not protest.
When he grabs my arm, I pull away,
And say nothing.
Hours later I am huddled in the corner of my room
Sobbing in the way that cannot be fixed
And I find myself asking the same question once again:
Should I have said something?
Could I have said something?
I shout about women and power, and women’s empowerment,
But at times like this I am powerless, and I am guilty
Of keeping my voice hidden until it is safe for me to use,
Like in poetry slams, English class, and mid-winter street marches
Because I am too good.
Too good at short responses and tight-lipped smiles.
Too good at yelling fire instead of help.
Too good at calculating the angle of my gaze, and the stillness of my body
To maximize potential for survival.
Too good at melting into the storefront behind me.
Too good at playing the role of prey in this Nat Geo special.
When he is close enough that I can see the hunger in his eyes,
Teeth bared, summer sweat, clammy hands.
Too good at shallow breathing, feeling my rapid heart beating —
Too good at being afraid.
I guess I will be too good
At teaching my daughter how to play Russian Roulette with her body
Each time she steps out of the house.
I will be too good at telling her that the things she loves most
Are actually the most dangerous of all.
At warning her that night and solitude and her body are victims of entropy —
Someday they will be taken from her and never given back;
And will be too good at apologizing to her
For not finding a cure to this hereditary disease.
The kind of terror that burns you from the inside
And a guilt you have to exhale out in pieces
Slowly,
Slowly,
Slowly.
September 14th, 2024.
I am seventeen years old,
And I am tired of being too good.
This poem was written by Janae Lu, the 2024-25 Seattle Youth Poet Laureate. Performed at the Seattle Arts & Lectures Literary Arts event with Abraham Verghese at Benaroya Hall on Sunday, November 24, 2024.